Today I feel stuck. I really want to move out of here, beautiful and comfortable though it is. I look at the calender in front of me, I can't imagine myself spending all these months like I did last year. They(the past few months) were good of course! I had fun. learned, laughed. experienced new things...but I want no repetition! I need some change...(LORD You know I do)! I don't want time to pass by like this, I can't get so comfortable in the present, soak in the providence I now have...I want to GRASP something, something that will make me feel "I am", something from the vantage point of which I can plan my future...(LORD, am I asking too much? am I being rebellious?).
People here love me, I don't doubt it. But it is not about loneliness, it's not about losing faith, it's not about hopelessness...it's about a dream I have, a dream that I am afraid to own sometimes, one which is so impossible that only FAITH can accomplish. And these days I have been "stretching" my faith...I see nothing; I have no tangible affirmation...what I could take as "signs"I have brushed away...I know better not to fool myself. I don't doubt god and His goodwill towards me, it' just that I don't understand Him!
Life is good. I have little to complain but I know things shouldn't and wouldn't remain the way it is. Change is a constant. I want to grasp"that thing", take that leap, make that shift...I am only too eager. But I see just enough light for me to take the next step(do you know Father, that I am bored?).
I wonder what's in store for me, Whatever it is, it'll be good but I want to know specifically what! I am very happy with my present; the activities I do at home, at church, and in the"world", are what I would love doing in the future as well, But again, somehow I feel I need a surer footing, another "platform"....I am asking for a place in life that is sealed, accepted, and refer-able! Am I wrong in asking for this? I don't think so! So why the wait, why the drag, why the pain, why the frustration, why the uncertainties...?
I thought faith will make things easy. Instead, it asks the impossible from me! But it is precisely what keeps me walking in the narrow way, with just enough light, but with an unlimited supply of joy, hope, and peace. Yea, I have my doubts and questions but the f\peace He left with me stays. Sometimes I feel I have lost it but I always have it...He was the One who kept me for keeps and the thief can't rob me of it, I won't let him!
So here I am, resting assured in the gentle Shepherd's arms...life is beautiful!
