Waiting

"I could write a million songs about the way you say my name,
 I could live a lifetime with you and then do it all again.
 But like I can't force the sun to rise or hasten summer's start,
 Neither should I rush my way into your heart."

I just can't get enough of these lines from the song"Love is waiting" by Brooke Fraser. More so because it has a scriptural backing-Songs of  Songs 8:4 which says "not to awaken love until the time is right".

This has always helped me. When I begin"liking" someone, I wait. It's hard, but God knows I have been saved from so many heartaches, disappointments and disasters because I waited. Patience is a virtue. Time is a great"reveal-er". I have had my fair share of heartbreaks,I know the only safe place my fragile heart can be is in my protective Father's hands. So I wait on Him. My heart is no longer mine to give. Really.

That's why,while I know love is beautiful I would have none of it until I hear my Father say,"Go on!"

Love?

I often ask myself,"Have I loved enough?"
The answer is always "no".
Not because we can't have enough of love but because in all sincerity, I know love is not what I always "do".
Sometimes I feel I have so much love bubbling in me, I could love the entire world to bits!
Then at times, I feel so depleted I can hardly say a kind word to my neighbor.
And again,I look around me, I look within me...
Do my friends and family feel unloved at any point of time with me around them?
Have I loved myself well enough...respected myself,cultivated myself?

The resounding answers always leave me with a feeling of shallowness.

Why does loving seem easy and hard at the same time?
I won't attempt an easy answer nor look for an obscure one
Because we all "know" love yet we don't "know it all".

There are ways to love truly, to love well
Love is not indiscriminate...at least in the human realm.
Love is a big thing, it can be everything...
It can settle and unsettle you
It can inspire you, it can ruin you!
Aahh me!

This is heavy stuff!
I shall rest here.
I'll pick up my pen later.
Perhaps when love puts on the garb of inspiration for me!

Finally Forgave

Forgiveness takes time.Even after you have made the decision to forgive,the pain doesn't go away.You continue to bear the brunt of the other person's choice, words,and actions.You are reminded of the pain by the events of life All these often makes you doubt whether you have really forgiven or whether you are really capable of forgiving.

One thing I know for sure-forgiveness is not a feeling. Forgiveness is a choice, a choice you make for the present to redeem it from the past and to restore to ourselves the dreamy feel about the future with its infinite possibilities. The feel good factor is a product of the choice,it is not the cause.

My pride keeps me from forgiving. My self-righteousness  keeps me from forgiving. My self-pity keeps me from forgiving. My sense of justice keeps me from forgiving. My pain cries out to me like a child begging to be acknowledged; and the more I tend to it, the bitter I become.

Preach me all the sermons you can about forgiveness and I might be moved to tears but I shall not forgive..."because little do you know my pain!" ...All the preaching subtly made me feel I have been a bad "forgive-er"...How many times do I forgive?That "seventy time seven"is too tall a requirement! ...Do I still forgive even when the injustice continues?...Am I to remain in  a victimized state as long as I live?...Where is the promised relief?

I had all these questions-legitimate questions- and a hundred more running in my heart and mind as I struggled to forgive. I was in a fighting mode! I wasn't going to be the wronged one, I would not be the saint either. I was going to be realistic and pursue the matter to its logical end. Yes, I would make the wrong doers pay!

But I realized that I wasn't a good judge myself! Who was I to pronounce judgments? I,with my limited understanding of the person , circumstances and even myself! My sense of justice which made me adverse to forgiveness also told me that I was not the right one to judge either. I gave up! Only the sovereign God could do such a thing and He himself said to forgive, so I decided that there was no way to talk him into it!

Later I derived a sense of relief from the scripture passage which said,"Vengeance is Mine, I will repay."Boy!!God was finally gonna do it! And He is the best at it; He would make sure that not even one inch,one ounce is compromised. He will repay,grain by grain! I was glad and thanked God.

But would He do this to someone who is a family member? As in, someone who is a Christian? Isn't he "forgiven" just as I am? And if God does judge him,won't he do the same with me? And I was so sure I had so much in my account of wrongdoings...but they are already forgiven,forgotten!...but likewise, so is the account other person I wanted judged-they are cleared!

Hmm...change of heart...and that too arrived at by sound reasoning and not by mushy,emotive feelings!!
I felt broken...I wept! Who says the heart is not linked to the head? "Oh!Oh! Oh!" was all I kept muttering...I decided AGAIN to forgive, this time for real, for keeps. I said a prayer, I let go.

Months later, that feeling crept up again and I chose to forgive again. I went on forgiving again and again till I felt it deep in my heart. I believe the repetition was necessary if not for the other person but for myself. I needed to feel what I had been convinced of.

I must add that the path to forgiveness also involved a lot of knowing what God's love is, His redeeming work on the cross and what He says about loving and forgiving others. The things I described above happened after "knowing" God. They were part of my struggles as a Christian and the liberty I took to reason out my faith and beliefs in the space I believe God allows.

Recently, I stumbled upon a revelation-What did God do after forgiving? He blessed! So now, what do I do after forgiving? Bless that person! Pray! And so I did, with all my heart. This, I believe is a sure sign that I have forgiven...or rather that I am "walking" in forgiveness,the pain not withstanding.

A Testimony

I was literally “freaking out”!! The Sunday school kids were scheduled to give their monthly presentation at the church the next Sunday and  I was not quite sure that they were well prepared. Sure we did practice,  but not to my satisfaction; coupled with it was the fact that I felt guilty for being unable to teach them well the previous Sunday-I had been suffering from a slight dehydration for the last few days and so I was less energetic. I was sure I had rub off some negative vibes onto the kids.

During the week, I found myself constantly thinking about it- what could be done, where did it go wrong , what was the worst that could happen and how to handle it ,etc.! I feared that if they don’t do well it will harm their self-esteem, establish a pattern of mediocre performance, and they will fail to realize the intensity of  the utmost need to glorify God through their works and also that they might take the presentation in the church lightly and thereby never learn the importance of  sanctity  of standing before God and the congregation. I was restless, I couldn’t give full concentration to any other work, I dreamed that they were standing in front of the congregation not knowing what to do and I had to rise up and handle the situation; my heart was unsettled. I recalled the reasons why I had previously taken a break from Sunday School : one of them was my inability to multitask effectively, I get too much involved in a thing that I lose my wider perspective. Over the years,  I have learned  to handle a wide range of things much better  and so coupled with the fact that I missed the kids a lot, I “paid a visit “ to Sunday School again and found myself  happily stuck there! But now I found myself slipping into the old pattern again. I prayed about it, examined my attitudes regarding the issue- Was I basing my worth on the kids’ performance? Do I have a surrendered will?  Am I trying to be a control- freak?  Can I really admit that I am worrying?... I messaged my co-teachers and they were so kind as to reassure me that everything will be okay. I felt better, lighter and decided that we’ll face the situation right on without fear.
 

Talking of fear, my strategy to dispel it is to confess the scripture portion which says that God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind. On the appointed Sunday during the praise and worship, I was still a wee bit anxious and I was reminded of this verse.

 “Yes, Lord! I do believe so”, I whispered “…these words of yours have been true for me each time I confessed them. I know that I do not have a spirit of fear and I reject in  Jesus name any such spirit…I know that I have power, love and a sound mind…but you see Lord, it’s not about me this time ,it’s about the kids…do they know these like I do? Perhaps not…”

Then as in a flash, I heard God say to my heart, “  That’s why I need you to teach them !”

When I heard this, I felt as if a light shone through,  I could strongly feel God’s presence again and  I could hear my heart humming a tune again after days of alloyed peace.

So I prayed again, “  Thank  You Lord! I know   You were working all along… I release my faith over the children- You have not given them a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind…they will do really well today to the glory of Your name….I surrender them to You. In Jesus’ name, amen!”

What a peace and joy I felt after this! When I went to meet with the kids again for practice there was no longer any negativity or fear. We prayed, sang, laughed and danced in unbounded joy! I am sure they performed to God’s delight that Sunday….He affirmed it through the many positive  feed backs  I received from the church members. Glory to Him!!

There were a lot of lessons and blessings I took  home that Sunday; it would call for another article if I were to articulate them! As for now, I want to confess that God is faithful to His word-it is indeed living and powerful.  I would also like to encourage the parents to confess the Word of God over their children’s lives- taste and see that the Lord is good, His Word which shall never pass away will preserve, protect, mold and bless your children. Glory to Him! 

Dear Friend

May my friendship provide you such comfort
As to allow you to feel loved in my criticisms
And as you admit your wrongs I hope you feel lifted up
Edified,not coerced.
I hope you realize that love can be tough
And sharp enough to let pierce,strong enough to let bleed...
Because it sees beyond.

P.S. I love you!

A Thought

I had the privilege of being invited for lunch at my friend's place one hot day in May.Once there, I sat chatting with her father,who is  a civil servant and his friend and colleague. The conversation ranged from the weather to my studies and went predictably to the situation back home."How's the situation back in Nagaland?, he asked. I tried to paint a realistic yet positive picture about the place I call home. I don't know whether I succeeded or not. It's hard for me.It's also hard for them I guess, to think that the situation in "the northeast" can be anything but normal.

What is "normal"?What does a" normal situation" mean? What do people have in mind when they talk of"restoring normalcy"?
I don't know.

But I do know that it is not"normal" to meet with uniformed armed personnel  patrolling the streets when you walk back home from school. The armed forces in civilian area is no good news.It's not"normal" to have your classes suspended and sent home early because there has been a gun-fight. It's not "normal" to be running for cover on your way back from church because you heard  gun shots. It's not "normal" to have your house searched at night. It's not "normal" to be told to be taught how to react should we get caught in a crossfire. It's not "normal" to read about killings, extortion and threats in the newspapers daily. It's not "normal" to grow up under the shadow of guns and bandhs.

We say,"If you are walking by and a bird drops its poops on you, be grateful elephants don't fly! "
But I would consider myself sadistic if I apply this analogy to the situations above.

So, did I have a normal childhood? What should have been the "normal"scenario?
You tell me.
I don't carry a persecution complex nor do I endorse violence. This is because I know peace is possible,peace is real....and this in turn is the reason I feel things are hardly "normal".

Reluctant

There are some things I'd rather keep to myself
Things I don't want to be questioned about
Things I never let go.
These are things I tie up firmly and charmingly with ribbons of pride
They are hidden deep down,so deep down in my heart
That sometimes even I fail to recognise them.

They are in a vessel sealed away tight
And though I"d give my all up,
I'd keep this vessel to myself.

There are some things I keep to myself
Yes, I do.
I hold it as my person,my right;
But when I come to the altar
And deposit my offerings
I find the vessel is what You want laid down.

How do I lay them down?
Why should I?
'Cause these are the things I'd rather keep to myself  LORD!