Drought

I am facing a drought!
A drought of words.
I am tired, so tired that I think I don't need rest anymore!
What I long for is to go out and live,
Gather in baskets of thoughts,experiences,and feelings
Meet people who will set fire to my mind and heart!

I have been reading, learning, and writing even
But I am short of ingredients
So my thoughts fail to reach that pinnacle-
The tip of my pen.

Letters to reply to, birthday cards to write
An essay to furnish, notes to organize...
And here I find myself almost numb!

May the dew fall tonight
And may it freshen my morning
Bringing an end to this drought.

Lost

It takes a friend, it takes you
To wipe my tear, to sing me a song
To remind me who I am
Because now I am a wreck
And I want to get lost.

Never before have I felt so helpless
Never known such weakness
I can't comprehend anything
My tears just flow unprovoked
I am lost.

I need a hug:a big, long hug
'Cause I am shuddering inside
My world has gone cold
And that light in me
Seems to have been lost.

All I know is that I need you
Please don't go away
Sit beside me, say something
Or nothing at all
But please find me as I am.

Here

A thousand miles behind and a lot of years in between
Lord where have I come?
Certainly not the place I had envisaged
But not which I'd trade for anything else
For You are still here, right here with me
And where I sense You
I know I am right where I am meant to be.

Bare

I had laid it bare and a friend asked why is it so?
"I like the things you put on it", said he.
I smiled and said, "I like changing things."

Often I step back and remind myself,
It's okay to have nothing,
To impress that you know no better.

In bareness is a beauty
A strange haunting melody
A touch un-defiled.

No pressure to display
No hearts to woo
No becoming a fake.

Standing alone, standing wanting.
But faithfully what it is
That calm confidence!

Life Is Beautiful

Today I feel stuck. I really want to move out of here, beautiful and comfortable though it is. I look at the calender in front of me, I can't imagine myself spending all these months like I did last year. They(the past few months) were good of course! I had fun. learned, laughed. experienced new things...but I want no repetition! I need some change...(LORD You know I do)! I don't want time to pass by like this, I can't get so comfortable in the present, soak in the providence I now have...I want to GRASP something, something that will make me feel "I am", something from the vantage point of which I can plan my future...(LORD, am I asking too much? am I being rebellious?).

People here love me, I don't doubt it. But it is not about loneliness, it's not about losing faith, it's not about hopelessness...it's about a dream I have, a dream that I am afraid to own sometimes, one which is so impossible that only FAITH can accomplish. And these days I have been "stretching" my faith...I see nothing; I have no tangible affirmation...what I could take as "signs"I have brushed away...I know better not to fool myself. I don't doubt god and His goodwill towards me, it' just that I don't understand Him!

Life is good. I have little to complain but I know things shouldn't and wouldn't remain the way it is. Change is a constant. I want to grasp"that thing", take that leap, make that shift...I am only too eager. But I see just enough light for me to take the next step(do you know Father, that I am bored?).

I wonder what's in store for me, Whatever it is, it'll be good but I want to know specifically what! I am very happy with my present; the activities I do at home, at church, and in the"world", are what I would love doing in the future as well, But again, somehow I feel I need a surer footing, another "platform"....I am asking for a place in life that is sealed, accepted, and refer-able! Am I wrong in asking for this? I don't think so! So why the wait, why the drag, why the pain, why the frustration, why the uncertainties...?

I thought faith will make things easy. Instead, it asks the impossible from me! But it is precisely what keeps me walking in the narrow way, with just enough light, but with an unlimited supply of joy, hope, and peace. Yea, I have my doubts and questions but the f\peace He left with me stays. Sometimes I feel I have lost it but I always have it...He was the One who kept me for keeps and the thief can't rob me of it, I won't let him!

So here I am, resting assured in the gentle Shepherd's arms...life is beautiful!

Pressing On

I may have failed
But I have not been defeated
Because I tried.
And I will rise again, and try again
Till I perfect it
And I know none was in vain.

Expecting!!

Now I believe I understand something of this facet of love
The joy it gives me makes me forgive even those who caused me the deepest hurt
My heart has let down its defense and it has been singing ever since it was touched,
Touched by this facet of love.

I am blessed to share in this blessing!
Here I am not an intruder, I am so wanted that I am humbled
My heart has softened, my disposition has altered
I am gentler, like a mother should be.

Yea, I am gonna be a mother!
Mother to my friend's own baby!
She's a sister I never had, a friend closer than my own right hand,
My "twin", my partner in virtues as well as in crime!

That she shares her joy with me,that she wants me close....
I can't help but feel different...I am changed....
I feel like I am expecting myself!
I have begun thinking so much for the baby....

Soon we'll be holding the sweet little bundle in our arms
Soon I shall know a baby so close....closer than any other I have known...
I know I will never be the same again
This anticipated joy has seeped into me.

People-1

Some people are just that-nice!
There's nothing more to them than niceness
They are rocks covered with soft moss
Soft and nice outside but nothing more inside
Just nice
And they end at that.

There's no mystery to them , there's no depth in them
You'd think they are onions with layers but no, they are just nice people
Just that!

A Privilege

I love being a woman and perhaps one of the best part of being one is being friends with other women. This bond we share is irreplaceable by any other relationship. How do I describe this unique bond?

I was reminded of it's beauty today when I came across an exquisitely designed hand made envelope. I don't know what it held inside, I believe it contains a personal note or something else. I know that I should bot have touched it but its sheer beauty made me pick it up and admire it for some moments! I was mightily pleased and my heart went "awww" when I thought of the bond between the two women. I could feel the warmth and tenderness. I smiled a thankful smile to our Creator, joy stirred up within me.

I read somewhere that the kindness women show are an extension of the love they received as little girl from their daddies. I don't know how far this is true. But I do know that being loved as a little girl surely goes a long way in giving you confidence to love others as a woman. Loving is a risk and no one knows it better than a woman. She loves without expecting anything in return. I guess that a mistake men commonly make is thinking a woman who showers affection on him necessarily likes him or expects something from him in that special way. Women is braver in loving, there's no denying that.

And the love they share among themselves is a different category altogether! Whether it be some small talk over tea, just braiding each other's hair, helping in picking our a dress, sharing recipes, etc. they express love in  marvelous ways!

Where would I be without my girlfriends? I revel in their company....thank You Father for your lovely daughters which includes me! :)

Marvel

Will I ever stop wondering at the marvel that is you?
Each time I think I know you enough to be comfortable
You stir me up to see another delightful sight of yourself.
Are you parading yourself, or are you an actor on a stage in front of me?
Because I feel this is too silver screen.

If I May Say So

Mister,
Do you not understand what no means?
Is it so hard for you to grasp this minuscule word?
What are you trying to prove by being so persistent?
I suspect you have a mistaken notion of valor
And a whole lot of other things as well.
When a woman says no it's a no
Nothing more, nothing less;
Especially if it comes from a woman such as she!
What respectable man disregards the decision of another person?
Do you even consider her a person?
Your question doesn't sound like a question
Because you want a definite answer
It's more like a declaration to be endorsed!
My, my!!
Your insistence is so disrespectful!
You have this archaic notion of male superiority about you
That doesn't value a woman's opinion.
I stand by her
And she has no use giving you reasons for her refusal.
I think you insult her by pestering her in your stubborn ways
There's a difference between wooing and bothering
And we women can easily tell them apart.
She's not flattered, she's not impressed
And she does right by refusing a man such as you!
Forgive my harsh words if you will
But you should know why I say all these-
Love is an honorable thing
And you are, I dare say, dishonoring it!

Reached!

I like it that way-that lonesome branch reaching out
It means more than a million to me!
It has reached the one it was meant to
It's so dreamlike I feel elated each time I think about it.
Could there be more to it?
Can I expect more to come out of it?
Only time will tell...
For now and always let me be grateful
For what is, is bigger than I wished!

Blessed Day

This morning was cold. I snoozed my alarm twice before finally turning it off, switched on my phone and automatically began checking for any messages. On my right my cousin was seated up, her heads bowed in her morning prayer; on my right my sister was still soundly asleep. I remembered that they both had classes to attend and I had a load of work to do. I felt my cousin was getting late but I also she knew better so I hadn't forced her to wake up. I let my alarm ring for her to hear as well and now she was finally awake(and moving slowly!). As for my sister, I knew the best way to wake her up is to wake up myself and get busy, she will then follow suit! She used to always complain that my way of waking her and others up is irritating!

So I whispered a quick prayer and jumped out of bed, brushed my teeth, washed my face, combed my hair, and dashed to the kitchen to make breakfast. I had decided on cooking poha or pressed rice again the previous night(our current favorite), so I set about measuring, washing, chopping,frying, etc.; then I made a chocolate drink for our cousin, warm water for my sister, and black coffee for myself. In the meantime the girls were getting ready and of course I was met with questions like"what should I wear?" "Is this all right?" and that sort of stuffs. When all was done I set them out on our little table where we gathered together for breakfast. When we were almost done, brother woke up and asked for coffee. I went to make one as the girls went for their classes. Then followed washing the dishes(did I mention the confused mess my brother had made the previous night which I had to clean up before making breakfast? In spite of all his efforts to clean up after himself he still qualifies as messy!). Then I cooked lunch because the girls will be back in about three hours hungry and exhausted. In between, Mom's morning telephone call came, my brother discussed with me his exam related issues, and my sister's phone rang(yea, she had forgotten her phone!). Before leaving for work himself, my brother gave me a set of instructions which meant some more work. When I was finally alone I played some music and went up to the balcony to pick up the newspapers- so much to read! Then I went up to the terrace to check on the clothes we had left there to dry; I found that the wind had blown some clothes down and made them dirty. I picked them up and washed them again.

As I was picking up the clothes I remembered Mama. I used to wonder at her as I watched her go about her daily chores. She was active throughout the day! I wondered if I could ever be like her. She was so hardworking and quick too. She did even the hard and monotonous tasks. As a child I was often scolded for being lazy; then I had determined that I will never be in a state where I would have to do such "boring"tasks like the ones she did! But things turned out differently. By the time I was a teenager both our helpers had left, my older sister was away from home for college, my older brother had his own chores to do, and so did all of us children Being the eldest girl now there were some certain roles I automatically assumed. These roles drew me "home". By the time my elder brother left home for college I was second in command at home after Mom.Whenever Mom and Papa would be away it was up to me to take care of the house and my younger siblings. It was a role I took utmost pleasure in. I took pride in collecting and recording the daily earnings from our bus which used to ply around the town, giving instructions to our cousin who had some to help us about what to buy and what to cook, giving pocket money to my younger siblings,etc.. Even when Mom was at home, it was up to me to make tea for everyone and wake them up, set the big kettle on fire for our bath and daily needs, cook rice and then peels potatoes for our lunch. Then I would take my own cup of tea and biscuits and go to my table to read the Bible, pray, and then study. After study, we would all go about ironing our  school uniforms, polishing our shoes, packing our bags, washing ourselves, etc. and finally dash for school.I always took a nap after school. By the time I woke up dinner would be ready and after dinner it was my younger sister and my job to clean up and wash the dishes. After that would be family time when we all gathered round the fire to talk. Then we all headed to our rooms to study and do homework while Mama and Papa would themselves read or continue talking. When we were younger dinner used to be followed by story time and "snack time"-it was at such times that Mom would bring out interesting things for us to eat as treats; it has become a habit hard to break now! Everyone would sleep at their own convenient time. I was usually the last to sleep-inspiration hits me late at night only! I could never fall asleep without reading a little bit on the bed..... Those were the days!

College was not as I expected it to be. initially I stayed with my cousins at their flat which meant a homely environment. My cousin and I took great delight in chatting while cooking. we experimented with a variety of spices, and of course there were other household chores to do! Then I moved into a paying guest accommodation where I cooked for myself. By the time I started living with my sister and brother, I could say I loved cooking and it was  a normal activity for me. Eventually my younger sister discovered she loved cooking too and since then I have left most of the cooking to her. I am not very adventurous when it comes to food unlike her so I feel she handles the family's cravings better. I still handle a host of things but I am slowing letting go. They say the mark of a good leader is empowering the younger generation to lead, eventually letting them eclipse even yourself. Am trying to do precisely that! Let's see....

Anyway, coming to the point again. The thing is I find myself rushing as Mom does and I think I have grown up to be a lot like her. I am doing the things I thought I would never do and didn't want to do, and I am quite enjoying them. I am grateful to be doing them, and I know that one day I might even miss doing them. I am young, I have lots of energy, let me do my works well even when they seem insignificant while I can, while I have my being. They make a difference in my loved ones lives, they make a difference in my life as well. It's part of my understanding of what a good sister and daughter should be. Mom says she rests assured knowing I am taking care of my younger ones here. I don't know what sort of a job I am doing, I know I am not the ideal caretaker, there are a whole lot of things I know I should do but I don't do, there are things about me which I wish my younger ones don't imitate, I am often slack concerning my responsibilities....But while I take my job seriously I don't let it overburden me. My siblings know better than me and in a lot of ways they take care of me more than I of them.

At the end of the day, it's all about family....it's about love. By the way, I got to go....my sister is already home and is having her lunch(I told you she'd be hungry!), I have a lot of work to do- letters to write, books and papers to read, inquiries to make, etc.Wish me success! Have a good day! God bless!