Uncertainty

I'd like to think I understand but I do not
God works in mysterious ways
In bigger ways, in the smallest of ways
And even in between.

I thought I've grasped it all
With all humility!
But no! There was more to it
Than I could have even conceded.

I don't know why
I don't know for what
And it's beautiful this way
Special this way.

I sense peace, my countenance is at rest
I feel at ease with others too
None of that rush is left
I am letting things be.

I certainly don't like surprises
I don't like being caught unaware or off-guard
Maybe this is a chance for me to appreciate surprises

Maybe I should risk being fooled for once!

Maybe. Maybe not.
Perhaps for the first time,
There is no anxiousness in uncertainty
Is this faith?

Maybe!

Of Shoes and Dreams

After two years I am walking the same road wearing the same boots and sweaters. Still struggling. Nothing much have changed. What happened in between? I have inched  closer to my dream, and what I would count as prizes are the people I met during these two years and the invaluable experiences I got.

The preacher said that the way to begin dreaming is to ask yourself what you would do if you were guaranteed success in anything you choose to undertake. That minuses fear and all impediments of the mind. I asked myself that question a long time ago and I had made my choice. I risked all comforts, closed all doors, and just walked towards it. This was it for me, and it still is.

It's a long overhaul. I am being refined, redefined, tested, taught, and stretched. Not always pleasant but I am privileged to be going through these. A chance to pursue your dreams! How precious! I am thankful for the way things are, for I know my Father is in control.

There was a time I couldn't bring myself to run this race though I knew for sure the prize at the end was all that I wanted in an aspect of my life. That made me realize that even for making myself do what I need and even want to do, I need the strength of God. Of all the battles I fight, the one with my own self is the hardest. I can be my enemy too!

And the battles rage on. I hope that next year I won't have to wear my old boots; not because I have new ones but because I won't be walking the same road again, for I will be in that place I risked everything for...and that place calls for sophisticated high heels!

To ME

Take a really deep breath. Pause. Reaffirm yourself. Hold your head up high and take your walk.

There is always a better you than you or others know. Believe that that "you" exists. Let her come forth. Let her be known.

Misunderstood

It's not always a pleasant thing saying the truth. However much gently you put it,one can always be misunderstood.
Today I feel so misunderstood.

I have never wanted to be a tyrant. Responsibility put me in a position I otherwise won't have chosen. But with sincerity I carried out what my role demanded.

And now I am misunderstood!

Words can cut deep, so deep that it numbs you. I didn't cry. I didn't. I was raised not to pity myself. I was taught to put my point across without appealing to tears. I was taught to be strong.
Even if I am misunderstood!

Maybe I misunderstand myself, or maybe I am the one who misunderstood. I concede to the possibility. But when the yardstick of wrong and right, of duty and slackness is laid up against me, I know that I won't be found wanting. No, of this I am confident.

I won't let plurality or subjectivity blur my sense of duty, my principles, and convictions. I won't meander in confusion. I will be hated, and misunderstood again but I would live in spite of and because of it all.

Some Things

"But Mary kept all these things and pondered them in her heart"(Mark 2;19).
There are some things which are worth not saying because they are so profound, so precious!
Some things should be just between God and you.

These are things that can be shared with Him alone
And blessed are we if we have much to share with Him!

Our hearts rest truly only in a trusted friend's hand
And there are things only God can handle
After all and before all, He is our best friend!

She is

When she is what she is
She is the woman with the kindest of hearts
Who thinks of you before you even think for yourself
She volunteers to stand by you before you realize you need someone
She goes to crazy lengths to ensure you are alright
Runs that extra mile for you, save that extra seat for you....

When she is what she is
She is as stubborn as we women could be
Insisting, persisting, and never relenting
Caught in her own opinions she doesn't care
That there could be and that there are landscapes beyond her view
She decides what she  will see....

When she is what she is
She is a nervous wreck beyond redemption
The raging of her emotions overtake her
As she cries like a baby and refuse to be comforted
She's a picture of devastation
Beautiful nonetheless, for her honesty....

When she is what she is
She is an intellectual par excellence
An orator who'll make your heart skip a beat
A woman driven with a zeal to compete with even herself
A ferocious worker, a committed student
There's nothing stopping her
No, not even herself.

When she is what she is
She's not always lovable, not always appreciable
A mere face in the crowd, just another struggler, just another voice;
An ordinary woman with big dreams
A bag of worries, a fearful adventurer, a nonsensical babbler
Another bother to deal with!

But she is what she is
And I love her just the way she is
She loves me and I never doubt her love for me, that intriguing love...
If I could have chosen I never would have chosen her
But here she is in my life, joined at the hip
A bosom friend, someone I always needed and didn't know existed.

She is what she is
The best friend a woman could ask for in another woman.

Now

I can't walk through life waiting for someone to do me a favor
Wake me up with a kiss, rescue me from a bad mother
Or slay dragons and witches for me.
My happily ever after won't be after I meet that illusive prince.

I let go of thoughts which makes me lesser than what I am and should be
I am not a slave to my emotions and the raging turns of my mind
Much as they are part of me, they are not me in totality.

Yea, I could be a princess who goes on hunting adventures
A queen who rules over her domain with wisdom.

I can be the imaginable.

I am the daughter who carries the jewel of her parents' hearts inside her
The sister who stands in the watchtower of the castle her family lives in
The friend who fights alongside her army of friends
The teacher who counsels in the courts of the budding minds of her children.

I am these and so much more.
I am not nothing.

I am she who is living.
Soaking up  and sowing love along her way
Waiting but not whining
Anticipating but not anxious.

I dare to dream , to take risks
I waver but won't sink easily
I rattle but there's an unfathomable silence within me.

I am a person myself
My time is now, it was never"will be",
I am alive now, I am living now.