Song for Today

I saw how unfair life is
Someone labors and the other enjoys the fruit
Someone takes the blame and the other goes free
Someone does the dirty work and the other basks in the gleam
Someone is misunderstood and the other is empathized with.

I complained, I ranted, I resisted such injustice
And I just ended up feeling depleted and rejected.

I recall a song"Give them all to Jesus"
And this is what I am gonna do...

How good it is to have the right song for what you are feeling...
Thank God for song writers!
Bless their hearts! :)

Let me share the song's lyrics-

"Are you tired of chasing pretty rainbows
Are you tired of spinning round and round
Wrap up all the shattered dreams of your life
At the feet of Jesus lay them down

CHORUS
Give them all
Give them all
Give them all to Jesus

Shattered dreams
Wounded hearts
Broken toys

Give them all
Give them all
Give them all to Jesus
And he will turn your sorrow into joy
He never said you’d only see sunshine
He never said there’d be no rain
He only promised a heart full of singing
About the very things that once caused pain."

Simple Pleasures

It finally rained today! My friend and I were so happy that we wore gum boots and went out sloshing in the flooded streets. Then we went to the park to play in the puddles and wet grass...it was so much fun! We squealed in delight...jumped and ran...we were almost oblivious to the surroundings...luckily it was dark! :)

This reminds me of the simple joys of life, timed perfectly by our sovereign Lord. I have been wanting to write down about the things I simply love for quite a long time....inspiration withers quickly and I am tight on time so I am just sharing in short the simple things I love:

1.Playing in the rains of course!
2.Sitting by the window with a hot cup of tea watching the rain dance outside.
3.When a child runs to me with her arms wide open and hugs me tight!
4. A note book well filled with my own handwriting(only if it's neat)
5.The feeling after you have spoken well in public.
6. Singing with your friends.
7.Seeing your hard work pay off.
8. Someone relishing what you cook(happens rarely)
9.Knowing your girlfriends have your back...
10.Writing on a smooth paper with a really good pen.
11.Finally drinking a glass of cold water after being out in the sun!
12. A good night's sleep
13.Listening to my father sing
14.Texting your friends to tell them about  little things
15.A dress that fits me perfectly
16.A lovely quote that expresses my feeling precisely!
17.Discovering a great song!
18.Reading C. S. Lewis' books!
19.Running my hand across my freshly washed, dried hair.
20.Listening to kids tell stories
21.A long rickshaw ride
22.Singing in the choir
23.My"quiet times" with the Lord
24.A well set room
25.A good conversation
26.A long walk with a friend talking about just anything or just being quiet
27. Coloring!
28.Paper-craft
29.That rare moment when I love sewing!
30.Waking up before the alarm rings
31.When Papa says"thank you" when he's proud of what I have done.
32.Doing an impromptu dance with your friend!
33.Doing well in an exam
34.Playing with ice from the fridge
35.A bag with many pockets where I can keep everything organised
36.A bunch of pale colored roses
37.A letter or card from a friend
38. The postman at the door with goodies from home
39.The sun shining warmly on my face
40.Red shoes
41.The smell of guava
42.Yipee noodles with fried eggs
43. Goose berries!
44.Bhel-puri
45.Uncle's chole kulche
46.A good vegetable market
47.Cardigans
48.Earrings
49.Fresh and clean bed clothes
50.Cats!
51. Dark chocolates
52.My Beethoven and Barbie
53.Mama's touch....
54.Brushing my teeth!
55.Reading...

There's a lot more....and I am thankful for all these! :)  :)

I Hate

"I hate them with perfect hatred."
Yea, I clearly recall these lines from the Bible itself,
David's words
Pouring out his heart to the Lord
He is  always too honest for comfort.

Have I ever told the Lord that I hate someone?
Yea...but with a sense of guilt.
I reckon that He  won't be pleased
Telling Him such things don't come naturally
I like to be pious before Him.

And when I do hate am I conscious of His presence?
Almost never!
All I ever see before me is the object of my hatred
And a swollen sense of self esteem
While a fire within me is kindled.

If hatred is an art I would rate myself a pro.!
I am passionate in hatred
My ire is insidious
I slowly poison myself with it
But I wish the other would be harmed.

Yes I hate with "perfect hatred"
And I shudder at this realization
I am even ashamed to admit it
I go to lengths justifying, defending myself-
I hate but I am not wrong!

It's not so much my wrath at the other person
As what I hold within me
The contempt reveals so much about me!
My utter depravity and my poverty
And my need-my need for grace!

"'Hate' is too strong a word", I often say
But actually no word can capture the intensity of a heart that despises
It'll be a horrible word, too horrible to be uttered
It's ugly, it's terrifying, it's vile
No wonder then that I lose my peace when I entertain it.

I believe this is what my Savior knew
When He told me to ,love and taught me to love
He saw the hideousness of this sin
It raises its banner against Him
And against my soul which He loves.

May I then remind myself each moment how villainous hatred is
Until at long last I hate it with"perfect hatred"
It is only thing to be hated!

P.S. Even as I was writing this I realized that I have gotten into something more than I bargained for! This is not a very refined thought, I have agreed to disagree with myself here. But this will serve as a marker in my journey towards a clearer understanding of the scheme of things in this theme. Bear with me! :)

Longing Without Knowing

"Can you miss someone you have never known?", I was asked.
It was a "yes" then and it still is.
I miss some people I will never know
People whose lives have touched me and still influence my life.
I am not talking of obscure great men and women who made history
I am talking about"missing" someone in the sense of really longing for them
There's an empty space in your heart and life for them which  only they can fill
You know that they are supposed to be there but you find them absent
You have this acute sense of wanting and even needing them
You feel as if you know them though you've never known them
You miss them.

I miss my paternal grandparents, for example.
I never knew them but I love them and long for them
I know that they would've loved me too if they only knew me!
There's an empty space in my heart meant just for them which has never been occupied.
The Lord knew better and took them away before we even met here on earth
I don't complain about the emptiness though I have felt it
It's not a pain I cannot bear
I feel blessed that I love someone I never knew
And rest in the assurance that they surely loved me even though they might not have anticipated me.

Yea, then there was dear Josephine, my sister!
I have never even seen her
I wonder what she would have been like
If she had grown up to be a woman
What personality would she have graced?
What color would have been her favorite?
With what would I have likened the sound  of her voice?
Would she have demanded that I piggyback her and tell her stories just like her siblings?
Or would she have been the understanding one,
The one who would talk about grandpa and grandma with me?

And how do I not miss my dear nephew
Whose heart was so feeble that he had to go?
We didn't get to pick up names with glee for him
Like we did when his sister was born
Frail from the start, he had our hearts in knots
And then he was gone before the reality of his presence sunk in.
I would have been an absent aunt had he lived
But I would have cherished him nonetheless
Now I can't even speculate the" ifs"
He's gone, gone before I even saw him.

We might say at the risk of sounding debased
That one can do without a cousin or a nephew
They are not "necessary".
Objectively, I agree.
But what about the "necessary" relations?
That, one has to concede.

I miss without knowing them whom I miss
And I believe it's a blessing to be longing like this
This sense of loss makes me tender, makes me ponder
And perhaps makes my heart stretch  a bit more to accommodate more love
Love for others for the sake of those I miss.

My mind and my heart have not explored all the ramifications
Nor have I closed myself to the possibility
That there might be more whom I'll miss in the future....
I pray then that I'll have the tenderness of heart to miss them then!

I sense that calm over my face after all these years...that same one I used to have when I was so sure of God, myself and to a certain extent my future. My muscles are relaxed, my eyes steady, my cheeks brave, my ears drawn back yet alert, my lips settled in a shape I won't know how to replicate at other times and the overall contours of my face set as if I am feeling the warmth of the sun on my face after a cold winter's night. It sounds good,it feels good ...but I am afraid it might not be really good.

I recall the storms I faced after that calm, how it ravaged my soul, robbed my peace and defaced my heart. I remember being tossed about by circumstances, people and my own weaknesses. Is it coming back? Is this the lull before the storm?

When the storm comes your preparedness matters. Perhaps this is the time to be prepared? Perhaps. A part of me  feels excited at the prospect of facing the storm, much against another part which wants safety and quiet. But it's not for me to decide whether the storms should come or not. Is it?

So why am I afraid?

I am afraid that I might not go to the right place for shelter. I am afraid that I might not survive this time. I am also wary of  the lies...I am wary of the deception the calm wears....

The last storm broke me down. Am I stronger now? I like to believe I do. But still I am afraid to face the storm which might not come after all!

For Papa

One of life's greatest delights is to see growth-whether it be in a little baby or a tiny sapling. Thankfully, growth is not limited to the tangible and the physical. It encompasses the spiritual, the emotional and the mental too. I have been blessed to witness spiritual and emotional growth in people close to me, people I love and cherish. This includes even my parents. Over the years I have seen them love each other better, if not more than they used to. They grew in love and the tree of their love sheltered, protected and provided for us. The tangibility of their growth showed in the affectionate gestures and words towards each other and towards us. Their love is a living example that we fall in love and then grow in love. In falling we die to our own selves and in that death we find ourselves sprouting and growing in love (the death and resurrection principle I referred to in my last post). Love is not a spark that lights up your world for a moment and then dies away; it is like a candle which lights other candles though it is melting. It knows that life on earth is too short to even worry about how short it is; we are to live and help others live. I am so thankful that God helped me see this in my parents.

I wrote the following lines for Papa during my first year of college, away from home and alone in the confines of my Paying Guest accommodation. A lot has changed since then, all for good. My understanding of Papa has 'evolved' to see him more realistically and I hope more lovingly. I complain about not having received hugs here...well, I have received so much since then! And about the tears...let me keep it to myself for now....

I must not forget to add that the society we grew up in doesn't really display affections...this is one of the reasons we are so stiff most of the times. But things are changing for the better.

These are a teenager's musings, take it as that...she's a big girl now! :)

"Pa, did I ever doubt your love?
Ever thought you didn't care?
Took you for granted?

Questioned your decisions?

Misunderstood your corrections?

Yes Pa, I did.

Pa, I cried for the tears you didn't show
Longed for the hugs you didn't give
And wondered why you are this way.

But this is all I have against you.
I can't count the number of times you said"thank you"to me
When I did well at school or at anything that made you proud;
Nor the times you accompanied me
To school, to church, to the doctors'...
I saw you empty your pockets to fill mine
I saw you give up your dreams
To get me a new dress, or to pay for my picnics and trips.
You stayed by my side when I was sick
You woke up to tell me to go to sleep
When I'd be cramming for exams

(And you know Pa? You calmed me down by saying that).
I was aware when in the dead of the night

You'd come and pull the blankets over us,

And check whether we were sleeping well
Gently stirring us up if when we weren't.
I've witnessed the times you faced humiliation

So that we could be filled, so that we won't lack.
You knew what was important
You lived for what you could die for.

Thank you Papa for the many times you carried me,

For the wonderful stories you told

For the stuffs you mended-whether it was my teddy bear or my broken heart

For the errands you chose to go for us
For the dreams you helped us dream
And for so much more...

Everyday Pa, every single day
I want you to be sure that I love you

How can I complain Pa
about the tears and the hugs?
I know your heart bled for us
Your hand worked for us-
That was hugging in the real sense...
Oh, I can't comprehend it...!

I don't know how successful you are
But as a father
You are definitely a big hit!
I love you PAPA!"

At the Altar

Nothing is really yours till it has gone through the process of death and resurrection. I face this reality again. I am reminded that what I want should first and foremost be given up, and then should the Almighty in His sovereignty and love for me decide to give it back to me alive,it's mine to keep; else in faith I know it was never in my interest.

I wish I had the faith to believe so this time as well.... In spite of what I have known and still know to be true here I find myself in tears over what I have to give up. Perhaps I am mistaken...perhaps God wants me to fight for it and not just give it up? But no.It can't be, it isn't. This is such that I can lay no claim to it unless it is gifted and gifted,it is not. It is not to be fought for, it is not to be sought after without putting on rebellion and pride. I wish it was easy, I wish I had never placed my affections on it...everything was going so well until I was abruptly stopped and made to realize that I had been mistaken all along. I died a little that day.

I hope I am  not talking in the air...a few of you know why I am saying this. I am putting my condition to words so that they bear testimony to what I am feeling now. Perhaps after all these are over I can then come back and view this in a new light. I hope to pass this test. "Though He slays me yet I will trust in Him"..."When He has tried me I shall come forth as gold." I say these lines to myself again today... there's something I have to train myself to see and listen to.

What's in store for me I don't know. Yet I do know that the sacrifice has to be made and it means death of a certain part of me. I believe it has to be this way, I am being transformed, I am being renewed, I am being cut and chiseled to be fit for His crown. He loves me and He has always proven Himself to be true. So I believe and affirm today that His will is "good, acceptable and perfect." I am not looking back, I have raised the knife.